My Mind.... My Nemesis

I have a problem when I run. It's my head. Well my mind, thoughts and thinking processes to be exact. They sabotage me. When I train, I'm strong and brilliant. I can run for ages, without a care, (or shoes), I can tackle anything. I visualize myself finishing exciting runs, feeling pleased with myself and making my family and friends proud of me.

Then it comes to the event. Niggling doubts creep in at the start line. 'I haven't trained enough... what if I'm last?... Or worse, don't finish?... I don't really deserve to be here... I'm not fast enough, strong enough, disciplined enough, I'm only a girl, I'm too old, I don't even have proper shoes'

I push them all aside and smile, joke and laugh with everyone else. What an adventure we're all going on here, off to the known and unknown in ourselves and surrounding countryside. I look around me and see people who look like me, bright and enthusiastic, sure of themselves and their abilities.

Truly I have none of that. Within the first 2-3km I'm already fighting my own head. I wasn't raised to have self doubt like this. My parents taught me that I could do ANYTHING I wanted. We are not a 'sit back and take it' kind of family. We go out and get it, whatever 'it' is. One difference remains though, and that is this.

As a small child, and even not so small a child, I was no good at sport. I mean hopeless, uncoordinated, slow, clumsy and illshaped for any type of sport. And those few negative comments from unthinking people grew into a general air of 'Oh well, you can't be good at everything' sense about me. I was a straight A's student, so who could really expect me to be good at sport too? Truthfully, I would love to have been at least average at one sport. But I listened to the wise older voices telling me not to bother.

Not until I had my fourth child, and was craving some kind of alone time, did I venture into the world of physical activity. The gym, on advice of my brother, who cared for my kids while I went to the gym when from time to time, was were I began. I started walking on the treadmill and then running. Eventually I went outside and ran in a real event. A whole 4km! I finished, and was elated. As if I had won. But then the negative voices spoke again. “you didn't win” “you were too slow” “you can't be good at sport” ......

I have run for several years now, with this nagging in my head. I SAY I run for myself, but I want others to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself too. Six Foot Track 2010 has bought this all to a head. I have to find a way to silence the inner critic I have allowed to grow to gigantic proportions. So large, that a panic attack was the only way my head could stop my body from moving forward to another mediocre performance. Another DNF. Another failure.

Olympic material I'm not, but a half decent ultra marathon, recreational runner I can be. And as long as running stupidly long distances makes me happy, then that's what I intend to do. To be my best. Not someone else's best. And not a second grade version of own abilities, but MY best.

This journey has become about more than just the run, I'm running to discover me, whoever that is.

Friends of Lindy 50k

Each year in April, Canberra has a spectacular running weekend festival. 5K, 10k, kids marathon, marathon and ultra. Each year.... until the year I move to Canberra. Then there is a political debate, general stuff up, and no event.

(Please note that there is now an alternative date for the marathon etc... 1/2 May. But for the purposes of this story, the original April event is no longer)

This is annoying to me, but devastating to others. Some have made travel plans, handed over money, booked tickets and planned family holidays around this. Someone suggested we run it anyway, as a Fat Ass run, as a protest, and as an alternative.

Though many different ideas are thrown around, in the end there is a small band of about 25 runners who commit to this. One of them is Lindy K. Lindy was once a formidable marathon runner. In times that make my head spin, she won races, competed at a high level, and generally loved her sport.

Lindy was struck with Parkinsons Disease during her running life, and this, along with her whole world, changed. If someone had a reason to be bitter about being robbed, it was she. But instead of becoming angry, she adjusted her focus, and now walks. A long way. And at a decent pace too.

Lindy had decided this was to be 'her' ulta goal. The 50k at Canberra, coinciding with World Parkinsons Day, would be a chance to raise money and awareness. Again, when the event collapsed around her, she moved her focus and the “Friends of Lindy 50k” was born.

Early in the predawn on 11th April, a few hardy (and cold) souls started off around the Lake in central Canberra. I sepnt a little time with Lindy and her sister Heather during the first part of the race, listening to their stories and gaining so much insight from them both.

After about 17k, I woke my sleeping girls from our parked car (my children have to keep strange hours in bizarre places to accomodate my obsessions), and we went across the lake to run in the Womens and Girls 5k Fun Run. For Alana is was a race to test our her training. She did so well, coming 53rd out of 1100 women. For Sara, it was one of a few runs each week to keep her hand in for school cross country season. For me, it was another 5k closer to 50k for the day.

I must have looked a sight, jogging around like a lunatic before the start, and again after the finish, while the presentations were on! However, by the time we rejoined the crew back at the Fat Ass, I was up to about 30k. I met Lindy again and found out that I was now a fair few km behind her due to the proceedings at the fun run.

My goal was to catch her and Heather, so as to finish with them. I took my shoes off (relief) and proceeded to run a good number of km, catching up quickly. Alana joined me for my plod, and by the conclusion, had run 21k of her own! What an effort.

The last 20k just rolled by, and I walked the last ½ lap with Lindy, Heather and several others, to see her over the line for her 50k. What a great achievement. I'm inspired beyond words. So excited I decided to go back and finish off with another runner who was doing 60k... Arnie.

Across the day, I did 54k, in not too bad a time, and had a blast. A community of people came together to see something take place.... something that will stand in our minds for a long time to come. I feel honoured to have been a part of this, and I trust Lindy goes on to see many more goals reached in her life.

Missing in Action

Or should that be:

Missing: due to inaction.

It's been a long hard 6 months. I haven't blogged anything about running, as I failed in my attempt at the GOW 100. When I don't finish, my enthusiasm goes downhill fast. I am an overthinker, in every part of my life, and very harsh on myself when it doesn't go to plan.

GOW100 was fantastic in so many ways, and in the next few days, I'll write up a proper post for it. I did nothing after that, and I mean NOTHING for about 6 weeks. My hips were sore, so I set about finding out why. One good physio later... and a revelation about my horrendous lack of core strength, coupled with hyperflexibility, I'm well on the way to sorting that issue out for good.

November saw the weekend of the 4 peaks race. There is no way I could miss that.... too special. So I took my 2 girls and we walked to the top of Feathertop and back down on day 2 (about 20k). Huge effort on their part... I was so proud. Then on day 4 the whole family did Mt Buffalo. My little guy Eric was amazing. I promised him that if he did the climb in under 3 hours, I'd take him on the 6 Foot Track in January. He made it :)

I did one other race in December... the Razorback. It was a week before we moved out, and I just wanted to go to get away from all the stress of packing and sorting things out.

On no training, it was foolish, so I opted for the 22k Razorback ridge route. It helped that no one else was doing it (all doing longer routes), so I could hide from the fitness of others, as well as claiming a victory and first across the line :) Frankly, it hurt. I carried supplies in for the longer course runners, to help out. 3kg of oranges, 6lt of water and 3kg of lollies... only 1km, but it was a very long kilometre! Having enjoyed my last run in the Victorian Alps it was off to Queensland for a month before moving to Canberra.

Canberra is wonderful! Running all the time, enjoying the company of other runners, and the kids are so happy here.

Hares and Hounds 2010

On holidays in Brisbane with my family, as we do every Christmas, and I've been coerced into a race. I'm not fit, or even moderately in a good frame of mind regarding running, but surely I can just do about 10k of a relay race?? Yeah why not?

I love the concept of this race. In the wee hours, a group of runners (Hares) take off as fast as they can go. They are running 50k through the trails of the Glasshouse Mountains, and a couple of hours later, the Hounds take off in pursuit. Either as solo runners, or in teams of 2 or 4, they attempt to chase down and catch the tiring hares.

I joined the Bayside Runners and Walkers, who were entering 2 teams. Scott and I join 2 other virgin trail runners to make a team. These 2 guys are seriously fast runners. Damn, I'm the weakest link again! Scott decides in his wisdom to send me off first at 5.00am to avoid me being in the QLD sun at midday (which would kill me). It's dark and cool and a whole group of us head off into the trails.

I love this place. The sounds, the smells, the sun rising, the excited chatter of runners. Within a short time (about 3km) I'm alone at the back. Comfortable with the navigation, I plod along slowly, glad to be out and about. I feel bad about putting my team at the back right from the start, but without me they don't have a team :)

I run up the hill to meet them at the first change over point, and Scott takes off into the bush, running like a man possessed, shirtless and in funny shoes. I love my brother!

We all drive to the next change over point, and swap runners again. At the last change over point, we have made up a fair amount of ground on other teams, passing some, and matching others. Thanks boys.... good effort! Our team comes in at 5th overall, not a bad result.

Finishing at the pool, a nice BBQ, chat and general relaxing time ensue, during which Scott and I are interviewed by a local writer who is fascinated with our 'shoes'. Sometimes it's nice to be different, other times I just want to hang out and not have to explain to everyone why I chose to run in slippers.

Next year, I'd like to do this again, but I'd like to do it well, trained, and actually ready to race.

Conquering Mountains

Sometimes, school is less important than life. Less important than family, adventure and the great outdoors. Certainly less important than a mountain, or climbing that mountain.... especially when it's Victorias highest peak.... Mt Bogong.

So the kids had a day off and we climbed Mt Bogong. Now if I had been a sensible parent, I would have researched all the routes up said mountain, and chosen the easiest, shortest one. Ahhhh hindsight is a marvellous thing.

We went up the Staircase Spur (certainly the hardest way up) from the carpark. 10K up, and then 10k down. Eric is only just 9, Trent is 10 and the girls are a little older ;) What great kids I have that they were totally up for this adventure, physically and mentally.

We started out about 9am, packs sorted, jackets, food, water and assorted first aid bits and pieces.
The trip itself was uneventful in terms of problems. We enjoyed each others company, checked out the scenery, ate, sat, climbed and had fun for about 8km.

Then we were stuffed. Tired, sore and getting chilly. We could see the top, but it never came! At one stage we had stopped and sitting at the memorial to fallen climbers. I suggested this could be our 'top' and we could leave. But our conversation turned to the fact that we would not be able to talk about climbing Victoria's highest peak. We would have to lie, or say that we gave up.

Neither of those were an option, so we pushed on to the top. Straight up, ignoring the trail, we got to the cairn! The boys promptly climbed to the top of the rock pile, full of energy again. They collected more rocks to add to the huge monument. We ate again (must carry more food next time...) and then began our descent. Eric did ask if I could just get the car and pick them up, as he was tired. To his credit he didnt get upset when I told him he had to go all the way down now.

After about 7.5 hours we reached our car, a little tired, still great friends and totally in love with life. I will treasure this memory forever. To be able to do something that I love, with my kids, in our great country, extraordinary.

I love you guys xxx And yes, you do have to go to school tomorrow.

Glass House 100k

My best 100k so far. I say that, since I reckon I can do better. Lots better. If only I trained more, harder, better, got faster and wore the right shoes.....

I decided to take my whole family with me this time, as the run is in Queensland, a good chance to visit the grandparents and cousins.


Last year, my brother Scott had decided to start doing a little running, after helping me out at TNF100k. He was hooked in about a month, and now, 9 months after starting running, he was lining up for his first 100k with me. What a buzz for me to get to do this with him. We've always gotten along well, but lately we are finding lots in common, and a real love for bush trail running.

We arrived in Queensland a few days before, and spent some time hanging out with family, and talking tactics. The basic idea was to go out slow, then get slower and lastly, go as slow as possible and still get home in under 18 hours. Prior to this, my best finish was 22.57. We calculated a very precise and complicated pacing schedule, which I thought would last about 40k before the wheels fell off, but hey, outwardly I was optimistic.


Driving up to the the Glass House Mtns was exciting, the nervous tension/sick feeling in my stomach growing with each km. I was really worried that I would ruin Scott's race, that he would need to leave me broken at a checkpoint somewhere. But I put it all aside, and prepared for the onslaught of heaps of family/friends coming up. In all there were 12 of us, for 2 racing! My mum, Marty, my girls (helping to crew), the 2 boys, Deb (crew), Scott's 2 girls, and Sue (to help with the kids).


We went out for the pre race tour and lunch, so nice to catch up with old friends and meet some new folks. I was a bit freaked out with all the places we drove to, I was going to rely on Scott, who seemed to know exactly where we were all the time.

Back to pack some gear (I was seriously underprepared here) and some food, and go to the briefing and dinner. It was midnight before I got to bed, and was up again at 4am. I felt rested, scared, and ready to go.


Standing in the predawn light chatting, waiting for the gun to go, when I realised it had started. Just an 'off you go' or somthing similar. We jogged off to our adventure. A 10k loop back to the start before a trip up a big hill. We made good time here, moving quite well and chatting to other runners. I noticed a niggle in my right hip, but it wasnt too bad, so I kept moving.

This pretty much summed up the whole race... a little niggle or hassle here and there, but we kept moving. Our CP stops were fast, our crew brilliant, always ready to do anything we needed. Scott maintained a perfect pace, all I had to do was keep up with him. The heat started to bother me, and since I don't sweat, I started to get the familiar sick feeling of heating up internally. 3 solutions came to hand.... I took off the injinji socks I was wearing, cooling my feet, Scott gave me his straw hat, which covered my head, shoulders and back, and I grabbed a towel soaked in ice water and put it over my head and shoulders. I managed to keep moving through the powerlines (2 falls here) and the 8 loop without too much discomfort.


Having promised Scott that when the sun went away, I'd be able to run again, we made up good time in the section out to CP7, where we saw seris and eagle, buzz light year, brick and a couple of others. What a huge thrill for me to see people like this in a run. I know they were 10 in front of us, hey..... only 10k!! This spurred me on to move a bit faster. We had made it 3/4 through the race in daylight, an excellent pace for us.


There was one section during the night that annoyed me, with lots of up and down, but I think I was just getting tired by then and slightly emotional thinking about the time we were closing in on. Around here we were joined by Lynda, who stayed with us to the end of the race. She was targeting 20 hours and ran with us until we reached the school near the finish line.
Scott seemed to get faster and faster, more excited with each km. He never complained, or hated anything. He said AT LEAST once each km "How much fun is this?" and "I love this" or "When's the next one?" His enthusiasm was boundless and very infectious.

We crossed the line, arm in arm, toe to toe, in 17.50. Elated, tired and wondering if we should have pushed a bit harder! What a day. Finished before midnight, with a 5hr 7 min PB. I wanted the whole world to know how good I felt.


My brother Scott:
I'm so proud of him. He's come from a place so far removed from the discipline of ultra running. I know he won't mind me saying that even a few years ago, he was travelling on a downhill path to nowhere. He is now a strong, determined man who has set himself firmly in the right direction. To be out there with him, as he achieved something he never thought possible, was a defining moment for me. Actually he smashed it, with plenty left in the tank. So we are going to do the GOW 100k together in 3 weeks. Love ya bro x

The North Face 100k 2009 Edition

I headed up on Friday 11th May. My plane left at 6.30am and I was already nervous. I had so much gear and as always, too much food.

Arriving at Sydney on time, and stepping onto a train, I realised I was far too early to meet Craig who was going to drive me up to the Blue Mountains, so I hung around the train station ..... eating. A theme for the weekend really :) Eating that is, not train stations.

Last year I talked Craig into running, and he must have liked it, since he was back this year to run again. He is much faster than me, so I would be on my own this time, no running partner. We did the usual drop bag 'comparison' and the usual 'oh no... i forgot that!' along with a bit of 'crap, 100k is a long way'.

Everything packed and we headed up to the Katoomba. Arriving at the Leura Gardens resort where a few of us were to stay, by early afternoon. Checking in was the first adventure. This 'resort' has been in press a fair bit lately, for alleged poor service and inferior room standards. Although exaggerated, the reports were right! Eventually, and with much difficulty we got a couple of rooms for the 4 of us. Two more friends (one runner and Craig's crew) arrived shortly after.

A short trip to the Fairmont and time to check in. By this stage the wind was blowing a gale and I was beginning to worry about the rain and cold. Last year I ended up nearly freezing and didn't want to do that again. Those thoughts were put away with the long rego queues and even longer gear check queues. All was in order and so with a tshirt, hat, timing chip, and bib; dinner seemed the next logical step.

I had the pleasure of dining with Justin (osmo on Coolrunning) and Sonia (Fred) and her husband John. Fabulous vegetarian thai meal and a nice glass of wine..... which could easily have become 3 or 4 in Sonias company :) Thanks guys, it was a wonderful evening out.

I have never learned the art of packing a drop bag and then leaving it ALONE. At 10pm, I was repacking what I'd already done twice, worrying about what I had put in each one, with the wind becoming increasingly strong outside. Vic, who was staying with us, is such a calm, reassuring person. I must drive him nuts. He quietly packs his gear, never fussing or worrying, while I jump around changing my mind 100 times a minute. Maybe when I've done as many ultras as him, I'll get that calm badge too.

This time was to be different though, I was running alone and I had no crew. Sonia and John had offered to help me out, but that was only to be if Justin was finished and they could race back to see me. All these thoughts rushed through my head as I went to sleep. Along with the usual thoughts of wondering why I was here, if I was up to the challenge, how my legs would hold up, etc.

A few hours sleep and I awoke to howling wind. More gear changes, breakfast and out to the start line. Bags dropped, pre race announcements done and we were off. I start at the back and finish at the back. I quickly saw a good friend Nick, who also wears Five Fingers. I felt a huge wave of relief to not be the only one this time. Nick told me as we plodded along together that he was injured and would possibly not make the whole distance. We ran together for a few kms before he took off.

From this point until about 70k I was on my own. Although people passed me (and even on rare occasions, I passed others) I was alone. I liked it as first, enjoying the scenery and thinking through my run. The section out to the CP1 was as I remember it, so the constant up and down was not a shock, and the stairs seemed easier this time. I had a drink and toilet stop at CP1 and kept on moving along the ridge. The wind up here was so strong it made moving forward difficult at times.

The next milestone was Tarros Ladders. A long queue (37 minutes for me from stopping to reaching the bottom) saw me get very very cold. I hit a flat spot mentally after this, but just kept on plodding forward. Around this point my left leg came good. I had come into the run with a very tight hammy/calf/hip. Not sure why, but it hurt at lot up to here, then strangely got better.

The trip to CP2 was uneventful, with a call from my mum, who worries about me when I do these things.... it's all good mum. Quickly in and out of here, and then to the Iron Pot Mt and Ridge. I love this bit, the views and the climb and the untracked route. It's so pretty.

I was hoping to get to CP3 before dark, but didn't quite make it. I was a bit disappointed by this, and must have shown it on my face, with a couple of SES folks asking if I was ok. Some fried rice at CP3, a headlamp, extra tights and I was off. I love the nights on trails, headlamp on, listening to the bush sounds.

I had a magic run up to Nellies Glen and even the steps up this year seemed so much easier. I came across some SES guys going down Nellies and they called out to me "are you a hypothermic exhuasted runner?" To which I replied, "No, but I am a grumpy tired mother". We talked for a bit, but I had not come across the person they were after, so I plodded on.

About this time I contacted Sonia, who it turned out was near CP4, so my spirit was bouyed by the thought that I would see a familiar face. The oval was almost being blown away, so the North Face guys let us use their tent to sit in to eat and change. Sonia and John had bought me some pasta YUMMMMM and I was sorely tempted to join John in a beer or 3. Sonia helped me sort out a few extra layers and went way beyond the call of duty helping me warm up my feet WITH HER HANDS. You're a gem Fred!!

To stay here and chat would have been heaven, but onwards and upwards.. or down those steps actually. 900 odd steps to the bottom I've been told but chose not to count them tonight. It was here that something strange happened. I suddenly became overwhelmed with tiredness. It hit me like a wall and I could not stop it. My eyes kept closing and I yawned constantly. Struggled down the bottom and reached the trail. Sitting down on the trail, I put my head on my knees and dozed off. Only for a minute or two (I think) but I tried to get up and stumbled a few feet forward, wondering how I would finish the last 30k. I know this section well, and know that there is no phone coverage for a long time. Being near the back of the pack, I had no idea if anyone was behind me, and if I got into trouble, how long I'd be alone. In hindsight, I think that I was just sick of my own company and my brain was trying to shut me down!

I walked down the track, up the track, all the time trying to wake myself up. I finally decided to go back to CP4 and pull out. I felt unsure enough that failure seemed better than damage or disaster. After about 100m of feeling depressed about my decision, I came across my rescuers :)

2 cheery young guys, both with walking poles came toward me, asking if I was ok. I said no, and that I was on my way out. They wisely suggested that climbing back UP the 900 steps was a totally daft idea and that I should stick with them,at least to the next check point.

I had a drink, some sugar, and started to follow them. These two guys (Mark and William) saved my run. They joked, laughed, sang, told stories and generally enjoyed their way through the next 20 odd km. Without them I would've been a certain DNF.

We went quickly down to the valley floor, crossing the rivers and then climbing back up Kedumba. My brain was playing tricks on me, seeing all kinds of silly nonsense, which is strangely enjoyable. I was very cold by the time I reached CP5 and was overwhelmed to see Craig and Jez who had come out to help me. Craig had finished in a fabulous time of 19.15 and showed me the bronze buckle he'd earned. Jez helped me get a few extra layers on, and again helped me sort out some sox and dry VFF's.

Only 11k to go. How hard can that be? A bit of flat, a small dip, a bridge and then home. Or so said the CP volunteer. A bit of flat... yes. And the sun came up. Renewed spirit and light to see by is sensational. The ensuing STEPS down down down to the valley again were not. At first I was happy again, in my element on some nice trail, but the enthusiasm ran out so fast. We reached Lillian's Bridge and cursed whoever thought that this was a good idea in the last 5k of this run. But at least the end was in sight. Literally, just at the top of that massive hill, up there.... oh Dear God, how will we get up there??

Slowly is the answer. After 26 hours and 4 mins, I finally crossed the finish line. I even managed a jog for the last 100m. 6 hours after I wanted, but still finished. I thanked and hugged the 2 guys who had dragged me the last 30km when I was done for. Second last over the line, but with so many people who had pulled out, I placed 229 out of 333 starters. Also, I will lay claim to still being the only person to have completed this course in Vibram Five Fingers. Twice now.

Tim and Andy and Kathy said a quick hello/goodbye, it was so nice to see some friends at that point. Tim later told me I looked totally wrecked at the end. I went inside and chatted to Paul E and a few others before Vic took me back to the hotel to have a shower.

The awards ceremony was excellent, with Alina in fine form as always. This year Dean Karnazes had come out from the US to run and was signing books for anyone who wanted.

Several years ago, I read his book when I first started running and was inspired to try longer distances. So it was a huge buzz for me to meet him and tell him that. He was gracious and spoke to me as if he was happy to meet me, not the other way around!

So, my goals are achieved. I turn 40 next Saturday, and decided that I wanted to be as fit, strong and healthy as possible for this milestone, and that I wanted to run 100k as close to my birthday as I could. 100k, mostly on my own, in Vibram Five Fingers, on a beautiful trail in my home country. And to meet the person who helped inspire that desire in me.... pretty damn good.

Can't wait for next year.....